Taking back control
by Sapphire1112
Summary: I wanted to do something very different about the after effects of Mexico, so here we are. Warning for an eating disorder. I do not own the characters.


**Nikki**

It was an accident the _first_ time – it really was. I ate something too fast and it made me sick. It _hurt_ – more than I thought it would, but the next day, when I ate breakfast, it occurred to me that it hadn't happened this time – because I was eating at a more normal speed. I _was in control of something._

I've been back at work a couple of weeks now and I'm enjoying being back. _I am._ It's just that they're all very aware of _why_ I was on leave and that I came back early, so they're all babying me. I'm not allowed to do _anything_ 'on my own'. Don't get me wrong – I _love_ working with Jack and I'm so happy that I survived Mexico, so I can still see and work with him – my best friend in the whole world. We're like to peas in a pod – _double trouble._

I _love_ working with Thomas. He's a sort of father figure – much like Leo was. They could both out-parent my late Dad's efforts any day. I have _so much_ respect for Thomas – and I've learnt so much from him.

 _And then there's Clarissa._ Well, she's just _brilliant_ in every way – both with her mind, _and_ her personality. _I love the three of them to bits._ I honestly wouldn't want to work with anyone else – but they're smothering me. _At the moment, it's as stifling out here as it was in that box._

I have no control over anything. Sleep remains out of my reach – the _unbroken_ kind, anyway, and I'm not in charge of anything at work. They're all constantly telling me what I _can_ and _can't_ do. I know they _mean_ well – it's only because they care, and I _daren't_ tell them to stop because I came so _close_ to losing them.

Correction. _They came so close to losing me._

But I can't live like this. I need some control back, because I'm _suffocating_ – and the only thing I _can_ control at the moment is when I go to the bathroom – _and eating._

So one evening after _another_ frustrating day at work, I'm staring at the ready meal I've just microwaved – I could have cooked something, but I was tired and fed up. To be honest, this ready meal doesn't look all that appetising and I think – _why bother?_ I can decide not to eat it.

So I throw it in the bin.

The first few days are _easy_. I stick to fruit mainly – and a slice of bread if I'm feeling light-headed. I sometimes go to the canteen for lunch and I have a tea or coffee while I'm there so that it doesn't look odd. Other times, I stay in the office I share with Jack at lunchtime – but no one seems to notice that I don't eat much, with all the comings and goings. The comings and goings I'm not usually _allowed_ to be a part of. Thomas has told me to take it easy. He's told me that I have to be mainly _based_ at the centre for the present.

He hasn't _asked_ – _he's told me_ – and I _miss_ going out on calls with Jack.

But on the bright side – Thomas and Jack don't _suspect_ anything – they just _assume_ I've eaten while they were out, so my secret is safe and I've still got control of _something_.

The hunger pangs disappear after a while and not eating becomes a habit. Fruit and the occasional slice of bread have become the _norm_ , so instead my focus ends up on keeping my secret hidden – especially from my friends. I'm aware that it's not _healthy_ – at least part of me is. The doctor in me knows it could be _dangerous_ , but on the other hand, part of me thinks that I can handle it _because_ I'm a doctor and I'm confident that it's under my control – _which is what I want_. It has to remain a secret though – because they wouldn't _understand_. They won't see it the way I do – they'll see it as a _problem_ – and something else they can control.

Jack asks me around for a pizza one evening. It's something we did regularly before Mexico – and I've _never_ said no to a pizza before – especially when _he's_ buying. Maybe that's what started the alarm bells ringing for him, but then, he didn't question me, he just looked a bit surprised – so maybe he just thought I was having an _'off'_ day.

They certainly _seemed_ to start watching me more closely at work after that though – especially when I had a dizzy spell in the lab – which I brushed off with _'I just up too fast'._ I've lost weight too – which they seem to have noticed. Being _thinner_ was never my goal, because I've always been perfectly _happy_ with my weight, although, I can't _deny_ that it was satisfying to lose some. They've taken to looking at me _oddly_ – and _much too_ _closely_ for my liking, so I eat two sandwiches and a packet of crisps in front of them and they look satisfied – _for now_.

I suddenly feel so disgusted at myself for breaking protocol – because as far as I'm concerned, this is still about _control_. I ate for _their_ benefit, not mine – and that was _weak,_ so I excuse myself to go to the toilets. That was the first time I did it on purpose.

 _And the first time it occurred to me that I might have a problem_.

Things are easier when I'm at home on my own. First thing in the morning and the evenings after work, I just stick to fruit - and bread _if I need it._ I can usually get away with it at work too – for the most part, so my visits to the toilet remain very occasional – thankfully, because it _does_ hurt and _I worry about rotting my teeth._

Things at work remain similar – though I'm _occasionally_ allowed out on a call with Jack now. I think he swung that for me- sensing my growing need to escape the confines of the Lyell centre building. _It's definitely helped_ – if I'm offered a biscuit with my coffee when we get back from a call out, I'm quite happy to accept it – and I enjoy it.

Other than that, things have carried on along the same lines as before – it's both _frustrating_ and _demoralising._ The dizzy spells are becoming more frequent and I'm _always_ exhausted. It's something I'm in _no doubt_ that they've noticed. _I hardly care now though_. It's quickly becoming my mission in life to _'stick to my guns'_ with this – no matter _what_ anyone else thinks. But it's dawned on me that I'm out of my depth.

 _It's another thing I've lost control of._


End file.
